Locks and doors…. doors and locks and all the other stuff

lockThis story is about the aftermath when someone broke into my house years ago.

Since I couldn’t convince my mother to call the cops, she, at least, agreed to change the locks. So, she goes to the hardware store and gets a chain lock to add to the door.

Fine, it looks easy to install. So I go about hammering holes into the wall and door trying to fit the screw in. Finally, I screw in the lock chain. Everything should be find, right?

Wrong again…

First of all, in theory, when you turn the key in the lock the chain SUPPOSE to fall out. Well, this one didn’t. It stayed and I had no way to get it out. So I had to unscrew everything out, look at the back of the chain, push it back while turning the key so it can fall out.

Now mind you, I’ll be damn if I have to carry a damn screwdriver around with me and go through all of that just to get into my door. So, we needed a new lock that works. Later, my mother told me she got that lock from the same hardware store she got the possessed cart from hell.

Of course, that explains everything.

ONWARD TO LOCK #2
So, my mother comes back with another lock… this time from Ace Hardware.

It’s late at night… there is no way she is going to get me to mess with that lock right now. So, I told her I would do it in the morning.

Of course she decides she can’t wait and tries to do it herself. I come back and see her trying to hammer in the screw. I’m like “great!” I take over cause hammering the screw in ain’t gonna work. So, I try to unscrew it out… to no avail. I was really mad cause this is the reason why I wanted her to wait. The screw was much too big for the hole I made so I knew I would need to hammer in a big hole which I can’t do at night cause I’ll wake up the whole neighborhood.

I was like, “I can’t get it out. I’ll just leave it up til the morning.”

Of course, she decides to try to get it out by using the hammer to pull it out… Of course, the lock bends up. Not realizing it was already broke, I take the hammer from her so she doesn’t break it. Then, when I looked at the lock, it was bent. So hoping it was salvageable. I carefully pull the screw and lock out. Of course, half the lock went flying across the room.

“Did I break it?” My mother asks. I just looked at her. That comment needed no response. So, I turn to go back to my room.

“Can you put in the new knob?” my mother asks. I turn and look at her. I can’t believe she would ask me that after….

“Forget it! Give me the stupid knob! Where are the directions?”

I get to work putting in the new knob. Everything went find taking the old one out.

I’m trying to put the new one in but the two halves of the knob need to match up to lock. So, I’m having a damn cow trying to get the damn things to lock together. Then finally it locked and I needed to put the screws in.

So, in order to screw in the knob. The screw has to go through the holes in one knob half and fit into the holes on the other half. How can something so simple be so hard to do. Everytime, I think I have the screw in, the other one falls out. I could barely see the hole on the other side so I have to keep pushing the screw back and forth until I can screw it in. I am yelling, cursing, and beating the door.

“Do you need help” My mother asks. I just looked at her. I don’t know if my look was that scary but my mother slowly backed away.

Finally, I got the damn screws in. I close the door. YEA!

The cheer was short-lived.

It can close but it didn’t stay lock. So, I ask my mother is there anything else that was in the doorknob kit. She shows me a strike plate. Of course…

So I go to the side of the door and realize the old strike plate was too big and too far over. So, after much cursing, I unscrew the old strike plate. So, I tried to put in the new one but I needed to move it over so the door could lock. Of course, there are no holes there and I would need to make one… Kinda of difficult through HARD ASS THICK WOOD!

But thanks the gods my mother said, “Well, I’ll buy a drill tomorrow so you can put in new holes.”

Great… but the door can’t lock and we can’t just leave it like this.

“Well, you don’t have to put the old doorknob back in, just put the couch against the door”

Oh no, I am not doing that… Oh fine, but I am staying right here on this couch.

“Are you going to stay up all night”

Yes, if I have to…

So, here I was sitting on the couch against the door with a hammer in my hand watching tv…

Around 1pm my mother came out and told me to go to bed.

I laid down on the couch and turn the tv off….

But everything turn out well in the end… the next day all the locks were fixed…. YEA!

“Sweetie, now we can do the back door!”

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!

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